Eleven Ways to be a Jerk at the Gym
I love working out. In addition to the health and emotional benefits I gain from working out, I also love the gym environment. Usually. Today was an exception. It’s been a while since I’ve ranted on the blog, so I figured I was due. Please note this post is mildly sarcastic and is intended to be humorous. I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether I succeeded or not.
Here’s my list of things people do at the gym that make others think they are complete jerks:
- Leaving machines a swampy mess: Believe it or not, I’m really not interested in bathing in your sweat. It takes less than 30 seconds to wipe down a machine. Just do it.
- Using the circuit training machines for marathon workouts: “Circuit” is synonymous with “quick and efficient.” When you and your pal share a circuit machine for thirty minutes and ignore the lights telling you when it’s time to move on, it throws a real wrench in the works. Here’s a hint: There are three of that same machine on the main floor. Go use them! The sign clearly says to not use the circuit machines unless you’re doing circuit training. Are you? No? Then get the heck out of there so I can complete my workout!
- Using machines as a personal office: You know who you are. You finish your reps and then sit on the machine for twenty minutes checking messages, texting and making your Facebook friends laugh. Dude, just stop, ok? Other folks need to use the machine and don’t have time to wait for your social experiment to end.
- Loudly discussing personal traumas non-stop on your cell phone: I find it amazing that people manage to work out (kind of) while having extremely loud emotional conversations on their cell phones. What amazes me even more is that these conversations last for 40 minutes or longer, yet the person continues pretending to work out. Personal conversations that evoke high levels of loud emotion should never occur in a public place. Not in a gym. Not in the locker room. Not in a restaurant. Not in Walgreens. And for the love of all things good, not in a restroom stall. Find a private place to vent your angst. Please. Some of you should also consider seeking professional help.
- Standing in front of the mirror taking a selfie and blocking the view for everyone trying to use the mirrors to check their form: I don’t think this one needs explanation. Besides that, selfies are much more appreciated when taken while driving, operating dangerous equipment, or completing other tasks requiring two hands.
- Creepily staring at women while they work out: In spite of how some of the women are dressed and the fact music is playing, the gym is not a club. It is also not an adult bookstore. Go home and fantasize.
- Being the “my way or the highway” self-proclaimed guru who thinks you’re doing it wrong and need his or her advice: Most people who work out have devoted time to research and are doing what’s best for their personal situation. If they need assistance, they will contact a certified trainer. If no one asks for help, please don’t offer it. On a side note, your acne and aggressiveness will probably clear up once you stop using steroids.
- Doing complicated Yogalate or Jazzercize routines in walkways: A man in my gym does this. I swear. Walkways are intended for walking, not Jazzercize. Dressing like Richard Simmons and doing intricate dance and yoga moves that consume these areas and make it impossible to walk across the gym isn’t cool in more ways than one. Kudos for doing the workout, but please do it in areas of the gym designated for floor exercises. On a side note, thanks for exposing me to workout clothing covered in sequins.
- Expecting your mom to clean up after you: Your mom doesn’t work out here and the maid quit. You are solely responsible for putting your free weights away, wiping down the machines, mopping up the water you spilled, or picking up the disgusting tissue you dropped and left on the floor. Be an adult and follow gym rules. Thanks.
- Using the weight benches as tables: The benches are for weightlifting, not storage. If you don’t want someone else’s sweaty buns on your cell phone, towel or water bottle, don’t leave them on the equipment. In return, we promise to never put our sweaty buns on any of your property. Ever.
- Carrying everything except the kitchen sink everywhere you go: I promise you can endure a half-hour workout without your makeup, hairbrush, Snickers bar, pepper spray and four water bottles. I promise. Here’s a thought: Spend $6 and buy a lock so you can store your stuff in a locker instead of carrying it with you in the gym. The fact it takes you longer to pick up your stuff than it does for you to use a machine is a bit of an inconvenience. (For everyone else, I mean.)
I feel so much better now. Thanks for listening.
Dr. Pamela Reilly is a Naturopathic Physician dedicated to helping people improve their health and eliminate symptoms using natural, integrative methods. She has over 25 years of experience and has helped men, women and children improve their health using a holistic, client-centered focus. She sees clients in Indianapolis, does house calls, and also conducts consultations via Skype or telephone. Please feel free to contact her or visit her Consultations page for more information. Dr. Pamela speaks nationwide on a wide variety of health topics and welcomes speaking invitations.
Photo Courtesy of Pascal
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